True story!

They say you should write what you know. Accordingly, when I was a student, I wrote about literary theory and academic grandiloquence, because this was what I encountered every day.

But alas, I am no longer a student, and have ceased seeing everything in terms of a dialectic which must be blogged about in a moderately amusing way. And alack, none of my education seems to have qualified me for an occupation which would otherwise inspire my writing. No, these days, I am (still) a barista, heaven help me. And not only have I stopped learning anything new, every cappuccino seems to drain me of the knowledge I spent so much money to obtain.

But don’t despair! I have at length hit upon a subject which I know inside out: the horrible things customers do in coffee shops. I’m aware I’ve broached this topic before, but I’m confident I can squeeze a few hundred more words from it, which is the main thing. So, imagine you are the type of (snobby, Tory, Kensington-based) coffee-drinker I serve on a daily basis. If you want your barista to be unfailingly nice to you, here is a list of things you should never do.

Number 1: Don’t tell her that it doesn’t take a genius to do her job. Just be content that you are more successful than she is. No need to rub it in. It doesn’t take a genius to work it out.

Number 2: If you bring children with you, keep them quiet. At least apologise if one of them vomits. Definitely don’t expect your barista to keep an eye on them while you pop to the shops. The above points also apply to the old and senile.

Number 3: Please don’t assume that because your barista is the only British member of staff, she will agree with your racist rants about her Polish and Slovakian colleagues. She is not a pushover, and she will ask you to leave. And then throw away the Daily Mail you leave behind.

Number 4: Regular customers: sometimes, your barista just wants to make your coffee and send you on your way, without having the usual conversation about your book/holiday/baby. Don’t take it personally, and next time you come in, please don’t passive-aggressively change your usual order after she’s already made it just to punish her.

Number 5: Please notice that there is a bin in the bathroom. So don’t put used toilet paper on the floor, or Burger King wrappers down the toilet. Correspondingly, there is also a toilet in the bathroom, so don’t shit in the bin.